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Taurus: A slow piece of mail will sneak up on you.
Gemini: No pudding for you!
Cancer: Sarcasm was invented for family dinners.
Leo: It was a mistake to come down from the trees.
Virgo: Let loose the dogs of computer updates!
This batch of Mostly True Horoscopes is sponsored by Celtic Soul Jewelry and Pottery.
Libra: Welcome to twelve days of numpties!
Scorpio: You have forgotten something important.
Scorpio: Reconciliation should not involve arrows.
Capricorn: Try not to creep out the Elf on the Shelf.
Aquarius: Stupid political ideas fifty percent off.
Pisces: There is no rest for the good either.
