Mostly True Astrology: August 2015

Sunday, August 16, 2015

News for Pisces

Pisces: To make everything more interesting, use the Shatner Method.

News for Aquarius

Aquarius: Error Message--Update to a Kinder and Gentler Humanity has failed. Please try again.

News for Capricorn

Capricorn: On the road to success, one must drive around potholes dug by gorillas.

News for Sagittarius

Sagittarius: You will be friended by a sock, unfriended by a mystery, and get nothing but creepy comments on the latest picture that you share.

News for Scorpio

Scorpio: Sometimes, no matter how you try to justify your actions, you are just being a jerk.

News for Libra

Libra: The voice of your significant stalker will cause a sudden headache.

News for Virgo

Virgo: You will be the victim of a plan developed by a short clown for a demented circus ran by a sadistic ringmaster.

News for Leo

Leo: You will encounter an unwashed stinky hippie who barks a lot.

News for Cancer

Cancer: You will find yourself on the no-fly list, for attempting to create forbidden fruit salad.

News for Gemini

Gemini: You will discover that wasps and leeches do serve a useful purpose as they devour a government employee.

News for Taurus

Taurus: A politician of questionable policies and dubious morals will steal your wallet.

News for Aries

News for Aries.

Aries: You will be caught in a riot where clowns are protesting for better balloon animals.

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Saturday, August 8, 2015

Forecast for Pisces

Pisces Mostly True Astrology.

Pisces: Help is on the way; unfortunately, its faulty GPS will result in it driving into a swamp.

Forecast for Aquarius

Aquarius Mostly True Astrology.

Aquarius: Trailblazing becomes difficult when you encounter asbestos tumbleweeds and cannibals.

Forecast for Capricorn

Capricorn Mostly True Astrology.

Capricorn: You will find yourself in the spotlight just as Batman comes crashing through the ceiling.

Forecast for Sagittarius

Sagittarius Mostly True Astrology.

Sagittarius: You are as likely to win the lottery as you are to be stuck by a solid gold meteorite.

Forecast for Scorpio

Scorpio Mostly True Astrology

Scorpio: Your ship will encounter stormy seas and monstrous sirens, all without leaving port.

Forecast for Libra

Libra Mostly True Astrology.

Libra: A bunch of gossiping monkeys will find you in contempt when you protest their poop flinging.

Forecast for Virgo

Virgo Mostly True Astrology.

Virgo: As the planet Vulcan continues its retrograde, you will notice that conspiracy theories are getting sillier.

Forecast for Leo

Mostly True Astrology Leo.

Leo: Several people will decide that they are the boss of you; sadly, none of them will offer you payment in bacon.

Forecast for Cancer

Cancer Mostly True Astrology

Cancer: One of your social media friends is going to post weird shit that has nothing to do with cats.

Forecast for Gemini

Gemini Mostly True Astrology

Gemini: You will be mistaken as being a rational person by a loon, just before you offer them some Kool-Aid.

Forecast for Taurus

Taurus Mostly True Horoscope

Taurus: Jedi Avatar Monkeys are going to steal all of your personal data and will sell it to a bidder with excessive nose hair.

Forecast for Aries

Aries Mostly True Horoscope.

Aries: The highlight of your month will be an argument with a bath sponge, an argument that you will lose.